Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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