Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
God, I missed his penis.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
