He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We need to get me chipped asap
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
