i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
