when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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