textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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