When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
