New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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