Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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