does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize