speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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