Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
