I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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