I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
