Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
