We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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