i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
