i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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