Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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