my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
