she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
