I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
