nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
