Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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