My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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