Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
