I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
