Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
