I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
