You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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