he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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