Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
