My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
