Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
