No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
