last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
