Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
