Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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