I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
