Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
