Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
