He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
