you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
