I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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