Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
