She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
