My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
