Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
