i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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