I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
