We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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