i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize