Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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