While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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